Dashing through Christmas…

Tips for surviving the festive season when going through infertility

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!” and for most people, the festive season equals family time. But when fertility issues and Christmas collide, it can seem that things are spiralling out of control and what are meant to be fun festivities can actually add to your worries and stress.

We talked to Dinah Purton*, a counsellor at Harley Street Fertility Clinic, who says:

“Christmas hypes up this myth about the ideal life, the ideal family. Infertility is particularly bad because, quite often, I hear, ‘This time last year we said next Christmas we’ll have a baby or at least expecting.’ The dreams have been shattered and then they are walking into a scenario when people are playing a role of the wonderful, happy family. Other people are sharing pictures with their babies, social media is absolutely flooded with beautiful nativity plays at school, babies wearing out costumes.”

Is there a certain way you “should” feel?

“A lot of people feel that they have to be positive all the time,” continues Dinah. “They are constantly being told by friends and family, as well as the media, that they have to be positive, and that is hard if things don’t go as planned.”

Is there a mask you should put on at Christmas?

“A lot of people I speak to feel as if they are a bad person because they feel angry and jealous when they don’t want to see their friends’ children and they don’t want to see their nieces and nephews,” continues Dinah. “If they do attend Christmas gatherings, they struggle.”

What should you do?

In terms of counselling, Dinah advises her patients to give themselves permission to do what makes them happy. She reassures them that “feeling jealous” is human and normal and that this certainly doesn’t make them a bad person.”

What are Dinah’s top tips for surviving Christmas?

Be prepared

If you decide to attend Christmas gatherings, be prepared. Deep down we know that baby questions come from a good place, but they can take you by surprise and set emotions off, so having an answer prepared can help steer you through Christmas. Simply saying ‘we will let you know when we have any news to share’ is sufficient and you can then change the subject to the weather, offer to go and get more drinks or head outside for some fresh air.

Get in touch with how you really feel

You don’t have to put on a show. “Whether you are feeling angry, or grieving, or jealous, if you just hate everybody or want to hide away, be honest with yourself,” comments Dinah.

Talk to the important people

Try to find a way to explain to the important people in your life that you have to put yourself first. “Everyone will survive if you don’t turn up to Christmas dinner, it’s not the end of the world.”

Take time for yourself.

Dinah’s strong advice is: “Do something that makes you happy. Do something that makes you relax. If you can’t relax and you are not happy, that’s OK too. You can grieve right through Christmas if you have to, it’s actually OK to be really unhappy, it’s not the end of the world and it doesn’t make you a bad person!”

Look for support

Dinah suggesting looking for support and talking to your partner, mum, dad, sister, brother or friend. There are also a number of online forums, charities, counsellors that are always happy to chat. She says, “Unfortunately, the nature of infertility means that other people generally don’t understand and this can create the most isolating feeling.”

People need someone to listen to them, and sometimes a trained counsellor who has experience in this field can really help. “Sometimes, when I talk to my patients, I use tips I have come across from other patients which might help them. I sometimes get this amazing feeling that there is a chain of people supporting each other, people that will never know who each other are and hope that I am the link that connects them all!”

To conclude, we would like you to remember that you don’t have to be dashing through Christmas, laughing all the way, just be who you are.

Have a relaxed and peaceful Christmas and…

“While the merry bells keep ringing,
May your every wish come true”.

Merry Christmas to you, from all of us at Harley Street Fertility Clinic

*Dinah Purton is  BACP Accredited Counsellor/Psychotherapist offering support and implications counselling to individuals and couples before, during and after fertility treatment. She has experience in the field of counselling for over 15 years.